I haven't write in this web journal for a long time and due to some disasters has happened to me today, I will record it. English internal is definitely my worst subject, but I must say I am very positive that I will get an endorsement with Merit. I really think I tried hard on my second English internal, but did I overestimated myself of what my ability is? This formal writing, I have to admit it wasn't my best essay of all time because I was not that excited when I submit it to my teacher but also relieved of how much effort I had put into it. Sadly, the marking for the essay is not as good as I hoped it would be. I think I did overestimate myself; I am definitely lying and being cocky to myself. That's the worse you can get.
This result had let my family down, but mostly importantly, I let myself down. I overestimated myself; I could have done better. For the matter of fact my results are very low and unlikely to have my literacy and numeracy to pass Level 1, I have now put a lot more pressure on myself to show how determined I am for the next internal and the final external. Due to the stress I've put into myself, I am, again, having the thought of committing suicide in my mind. I wish I am brave enough to cut myself with a sharp knife or pretend I accidentally crossing the road without thinking and get hit by a car. These thoughts have been in my mind ever since I came to New Zealand; actually when my father start pressuring me about how important this time at school is for my future. I even prayed for God to help me to die and forget the pain I am in right in this moment. Prayed for cancer, infection of virus, or someone just kill me in my sleep. I know it's crazy.
Today I talked to my father about my result I got for my English internal, of course, he was disappointed and scolded me. At first, I feel very upset at myself as I have let him down but then, anger quickly rushed to me. He told me about how many books I have borrowed from the library but have not read a single page of it. Well, father, here's the answer why. I borrowed these books because I thought for my essay I need to write about four books that I self selected but it turns out it was not, and therefore I returned them to the library. Of course I didn't tell him because I knew me and him would get angrier and I would start to cry from the past experiences. I really hate being wronged by him because he is always the one who speak wrongly about me base on the things he sees when I was at home. Well, here's another answer, I am a different person outside of house. My father would always wrongly speak about me based on the behavior I showed in my house, and I don't like it at all. Another reason of why my feelings turned from guiltiness to anger, this actually makes me quite sad and hurts in my heart. What he said was if he had a choice, based on me and my brother's attitude towards learning, he would throw us out the door and never wanted to accept us. This is also one of the reason why I wanted to commit suicide so much that I even prayed for it to happen. I don't think it's necessary for me to tell you my feelings right?
From the past, he believed that we can learn a whole different language by self-study at home and learn at school, I think he is wrong. If I can go back in time, I will definitely change that and suggest that I need a tutor to help me. In my head, I have no idea how I learned my English as it seems I only learned it by reading story books which he forced us to do, but I guess it got backfired because grammar is the one I unfortunates bad at. I blame him for that.
As the time goes, after the report incident, our relationship did got better but I think it went back to its original form now. Some people don't know how rebels. I was back in the days because of my good student face that I put to be good at school. As time flies, I realized that everything I use is bought from his money, even my phone or anything that I adore. I quickly realized that I need to be good in this family to basically get what I need and what I want, and therefore last year and this year I didn't do anything that made him mad or whatsoever.
To end this story I do not want to just say negative about him but that's not my problem that he show me this many of the things I disagree with and thinks these negative would change into motivation for me, to my father, it really doesn't work. During the talk he did mentioned one thing that I think he would definitely lie about it which is he told me, this experience can be a good thing as it gives you that warning to push you to study more and play less. Why I said he would lie about it because I promise you next few weeks when he gets my report he would say I didn't try harder, you are as stupid as a potato, you are so dumb, I really want to throw you out, I wish you are not my daughter and swears at me. Please note that these are the things that I have been hearing since I was little, what I heard the most is I am a stupid potato, I really want to throw you out and I wish you are not my daughter. We use potato because in Cantonese it mean stupid in a very bad way, almost as if calling a woman a slut. Now I think you know why I have been having this suicide decision in my head since I was little?
Good luck to me.
(Excuse my poor English :C )
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